The not-so-Golden Globes

Like everyone else who cares at all, I thought last Sunday's Golden Globes press conference/pseudo-news presentation/whatever sucked donkey wieners. Lynette Rice's cover story in the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly helped me finally understand why the WGA has little choice but to let the awards shows go to hell - basically, the advertising revenue shows like the Globes and the Oscars generate for the big conglomorates that own Hollywood is the only monetary big stick the writers have with which to fight back against the producers' "screw y'all, we got the money, we'll wait it out" mentality. But that didn't make watching Billy Bush and Entertainment TV Barbie (I have no idea who that woman was; I only remember Bush from hating him at red carpet specials in the past) prattle their way through the winners' list any easier to swallow. Watching the Golden Globes is one of the big events of my media year - my nearest and dearest and I would ordinarily get together by 5 pm to watch the red carpet and eat too much junk food; we make our own little ballots; we become emotionally overwrought over who wins and loses; it's even better than the Oscars because there are TV people, fewer techies, and freeflowing liquor in the audience. But this year, I watched this travesty of a whatever by myself while doing a crossword puzzle, occasionally shouting out the name of a winner to my roommate as she put clothes in the wash. Sad, sad, sad . . . .

The only thing that helps at all is the fact that I haven't seen much of anything that was nominated, as will be painfully apparent in the following:

Best Motion Picture Drama: Atonement: I very much want to see this, but it's not playing at my local multiplex yet. Has anyone outside NYC & LA or even just outside the entertainment industry actually seen all of the movies nominated already?

Best Motion Picture Musical or Comedy: Sweeney Todd: I couldn't be more thrilled that this won, but I think it's horrible that there was no ceremony to present the award and no chance for the people who made it to publicly accept it. They probably couldn't care less, but I do. And I doubt the Oscars will make it up to me, even if by some miracle it goes on full throttle without a picket line. I adore this movie; I've already seen it three times. But I'm sadly afraid that either the more conventional high-tone beauty of Atonement or the cool-kids-only grit and gore of There Will Be Blood will knock it out of a Best Picture win. Which will stink.

Best Actor in a Motion Picture Drama: Daniel Day-Lewis: I have a terrible confession to make. I think Daniel Day-Lewis is brilliant. But ever since the night I barely survived Gangs of New York, I have learned that the surest way to know which arty movies to avoid is to see his name on the poster. Sue me; I don't mind pain, but I hate hopelessness portrayed as reality. So I haven't seen this yet and probably will not.

Best Actress in a Motion Picture Drama: Julie Christie, Away from Her: Again, I haven't seen this, so I shouldn't comment. But this is my blog, so what the heck. To me, this looks like a beautiful person using their beauty to make an ugly disease watchable. A noble accomplishment, I suppose, but I'm not sure it constitutes "best" acting. I have a real soul defect when it comes to disease-centered movies; they give me a twitch. And yes, I know, they can mean everything and soothe the hearts of people who have lost loved ones, etc., etc., and well done to them; I'm glad. But while I've lost loved ones, too (and even drawn comfort from a couple of movies about the same diseases, actually, now that I think about it), the genre in general doesn't move, inspire or entertain me.

Best Actor in a Motion Picture Musical or Comedy: Johnny Depp, Sweeney Todd: Mere words cannot express how thrilled I am about this one. I suspect I'm way more excited about it than he is. Now, as with the win for the movie as a whole above, I just wish he'd win the damned Oscar!

Best Actress in a Motion Picture Musical or Comedy: Marion Cotillard, La Vie En Rose: I really want to see this movie. I'm sad neither Helena Bonham-Carter nor Nikki Blonsky got the award they both deserve, but I can't say mean things about anything that concerns Edith Piaf.

Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture: Javier Bardem, No Country for Old Men: Yet another buzz-y flick I haven't seen and probably won't see. I'm a wuss, I freely admit it. I love the Coen brothers when they're funny, but I can't watch their violent dramas - I almost fainted watching the woodchipper scene in Fargo. The very thing that makes these movies great is the thing that makes them unwatchable for me - they do mindful cruelty, not mindless. It's more real than real - I react to the world these movies present the same way Marge reacts to the killer in the backseat of her patrol car. I know it's real, and I really, really don't want to know it. So I don't know if Bardem is as fab in this as everyone says he is. I hate the haircut, but I think I'm supposed to. And I loved his acceptance speech at the Critics Choice Awards. So hey, yay for him.

Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture: Cate Blanchett, I'm Not There: Not a huge fan of Cate Blanchett. I thought her Katherine Hepburn was a laughable impression; I thought her Galadriel was a videogame princess on Quaaludes; I thought her fake Garbo was half the utter ruination of The Good German (the other half being the weirdness that was Tobey Maguire). But I loved her in the first Elizabeth, and I will see pretty much anything Todd Haynes puts on film, so if this ever makes it to my neighborhood, I'll be able to form a more solid opinion. And by the way, another reason why I hope the Oscar ceremony goes forward - it will give me a chance to see, once and for all, that Cate Blanchett and Tilda Swinton are two entirely different women.

Best Director: Julian Schnabel, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly: Another triumph of the human spirit picture. If I agree to just feel uplifted on my own, may I skip it? Seriously, I'm sure it's just as poetic and visually stunning as everyone says; I'm just too much of a philistine to care.

Best Animated Feature: Ratatouille: I have a two year old niece. I have seen this many, many, MANY times. I haven't liked it yet. Rats creep me out - the scene where they all come pouring out of the shotgun-toting old lady's ceiling makes me physically ill. And please don't point out to me that they wash their little hands before they cook - what about their slimy, furry, sewage-encrusted little bodies? Yes, it's clever; yes, it's artful, but ye gods, what's next? Pixar presents The Little Flesh-Eating Virus That Could?

Best Screenplay: Ethan and Joel Coen, No Country for Old Men: I actually prefer the Oscar system of having two awards for this, one for original and one for adapted. I don't doubt the Coen brothers' genius, but how much of what's great about this came from Cormac McCarthy's book? Then again, sometimes the way material is adapted is the real dazzler.

Best Foreign Language Film: The Diving Bell and the Butterfly: See comments on Julian Schnabel above; they fit better here anyway.

Best Score: Atonement: Does this sound that much different from every other lush period movie set in the UK made in the past 20 years? I haven't heard it, so I couldn't say, but I've heard some of the stuff Eddie Vedder did for Into the Wild and pieces of the score for The Assassination of Jesse James . . . , and both are really interesting and different.

Original Song: Guaranteed, Into the Wild: Great song. Eddie Vedder was an inspired choice for this material.

Okay, I would blog further about the TV awards, but here's the thing. The only TV show that won anything that I've seen is 30 Rock. Tina Fey totally deserved to win; heck, I'd elect her president based solely on her American Express questionnaire ad. Mad Men I have tried to watch, and it's engrossing, no question. But it makes me sad that critics keep talking about how sexy it is - how is sexual harassment, adultery, and the general discounting of women as humans by the (admittedly anti-heroic) protagonists sexy, exactly? The underlying theme seems to be "oh yeah, weren't they rotters? don't we wish we could be, too?" If those are the sexy old days, I'm kinda glad I missed them.

Off to pray for the Oscars . . . . .